I was having dinner with my family a few nights ago, enjoying a tasty southwest wrap and some downtime when I noticed the advertisement on the table. The restaurant was offering a discount on a particular night and hawking it as a “stimulus plan.” Add to that the stimulus plan offered by the pizza delivery joint, the Jeep dealer down the street, and the one the local car wash will give you and it seems like everybody has stimulus fever. With my antenna for good deals raised I started paying attention to the commercials on television that I normally skip with my trusty DVR remote. Imagine my surprise to find that the same Madison Avenue that has been talking to us for years about racking up all the bling we can get our hands on is now putting out ad copy that reads like a scene from “The Waltons.” All of a sudden everyone is an average Joe looking to save a few bucks here and there and, aw shucks, we’re all in this together. And don’t forget the catalyst for all this stimulus hype. . . .the multi-billion dollar Congressional genius economic plan that has more pork than a slaughterhouse and as much chance of helping the economy as rushing out and buying all the railroads on your old Monopoly game. “Stimulus” is the new buzzword for 2009 and everybody is working it into their business vernacular. But what does it mean? Does it mean we should save our money? If we do that the economy will suffer because the money isn’t flowing. Should we go out and buy a house? Everybody and their brother did that and the market imploded. Buy stocks? Sure. Would you take any that have lost 80% of their value or are you holding out for the ones that are under a buck a share? And what about credit? Do you need some? Sign right here and while you are waiting for your application to be processed you can watch the television advertisements for debt counseling services. They’ll show you how to get rid of it once you get it. It’s all very complicated and since I majored in something other than economics I won’t claim to be an expert. But I don’t think it takes an expert to evaluate some of the policies that are part of the norm today. We’re well down the path toward nationalization of the banking system and our current president would like to add the healthcare system to that trend. Hey, here’s an idea, maybe we can combine banks and medical facilities into single buildings. That way you wouldn’t have to make more than one stop. Please deposit your paycheck here and your urine specimen right over there. While the government is at it maybe they can go ahead and put their abortion clinics on-site and an office for reporting the “hate crimes” they so desperately want to enforce. It could go a little something like this. . .Welcome to the your Federal Life Management clinic. Please surrender your paycheck at this station. Today’s tax rate is (insert daily changeable tax rate here). Your “contributions” for traditionally taxed services plus nationalized healthcare, the stimulus bill fees, golden parachute fees for those CEOs we said we would curtail but didn’t, abortion subsidization fees, and your carbon footprint offset fees will be deducted. You will be given a voucher for your “net” pay at the end of your visit today. Please proceed to the health clinic where you can sign up for that CAT scan your doctor said you need. The current wait time for CAT scans is six months. Please fill out all forms in triplicate and a social worker will call you if you live that long. Once you complete your forms please proceed to our abortion clinic. If you don’t have a baby to offer up today don’t worry, we’ll still let you enjoy our fine facility. Relax with a latte while your tax dollars support a woman’s right to choose. Upon exiting the abortion clinic be sure and stop by our hate crimes booth. If you fall into one of our protected categories, including cross-dressers and sex offenders, you can report your neighbors for saying they disagree with you based on their Biblical convictions and we’ll send the police out to arrest them. If you are a Christian you can skip this booth. It doesn’t apply to you. This is the part of the process where we would give you the voucher for the balance of your paycheck but it seems you did not work hard enough to pay all the fees and taxes so you actually owe us money. Please work harder next week so we can continue to offer this level of service.We hope you have had a pleasant visit to your Federal Life Management Clinic made possible by the United States Congress.
OK, so the stimulus bill doesn’t cover all these services. But hey, a stimulus is just a start, right?
Jessica says
this is absolutely hilarious – though some of the chuckles are nervous laughter at how accurate this could possibly be…scary!
Melinda says
I really don’t even know what to add to this. It seems so painfully obvious that what is going on with our country is wrong, but it seems that so few people get it, or else they get it but just hope for the best – swimming in apathy. Guess that’s part of the reason why “Speechless” is so needed!
Leslie says
My friend Jess sent me a link to your blog… and it’s definitely going to be added to my “must reads.”
LeAnne Burnett Morse says
I’m glad you like it! Please feel free to pass the address along to your friends. I love to hear from readers. LeAnne