It’s April. The flowers are in bloom, every other day it rains, and the birds are singing in my backyard. Put all that together and what do you get? Prom season. My son’s senior prom is next weekend and we have the tux, the flowers, and the dinner reservations all set. He’ll get all dressed up and he and his date will look like they belong on the cover of Seventeen magazine. At some point in the evening a blushing girl on the verge of womanhood will achieve the dream of little girls everywhere when she is crowned prom queen in front of her adoring subjects and secretly-jealous BFFs. It’s been many years since my senior prom and, no, I wasn’t crowned on that not-nearly-as-magical-as-you-think-it-will-be night. But all this preparation has made me wonder when, if ever, we women stop feeling like we are striving for some crown to be bestowed by our peers.
I’ve been working in the television field for 18 years. I started at the bottom painting the studio floor, bulk-erasing tapes, and reorganizing the broadcast library. I pulled cable, brought water for the “talent” (insert a snicker here), and got yelled at by directors and producers whose only mission in life seemed to be yelling at underlings. Once a director embarrassed me so badly on a field shoot I thought I would punch him. I never became a fan of his and we didn’t “lunch” together but I learned more from that guy than from any other single person in my career.
I say all this to get to my point. I’m not in this, and I doubt if you are in your career, to be the prom queen. I’ve come to that realization only recently after years of being labeled “controlling,” high-strung,” or the old reliable “bitch” by any man whose ego just couldn’t take being outranked by a woman. For years I’ve tried (sometimes successfully, sometimes not so much) to be extra nice and perky and even demure and conciliatory while at the same time trying to do my job so everyone will like me. And do you know what I’ve discovered? It doesn’t matter how sweet I am or how nicely I ask there are always going to be people who don’t like answering to a woman (particularly one who is younger then they) and will do pretty much anything to make their unhappiness known. Usually it’s in a passive-aggressive way like not answering my e-mails, not returning phone calls, etc. But sometimes it’s downright overt like mouthing off to others, although most of the time they rarely have the guts to say it to my face. I’ve spoken with many other women who have had this same experience. In fact, it’s so common there are books on the market about how to deal with it. I’m not an expert for sure but I’m working really hard at learning not to take it personally. (At least I’m trying.) I’ve been fortunate to rise through the ranks over the years and I’ve got a shelf full of industry-awards as testimony that I’m probably pretty good at what I do. So how do I reconcile the part of me that gets the job done with the part of me that wants to be popular?
This is what I’ve figured out recently. First, if I’m doing my job in a fair and honest manner and someone has a problem taking direction from me it’s his (or her) problem, not mine. Secondly, I won’t apologize for being organized, attentive to details, and assertive. (A little more assertiveness on the part of the complainer would leave less time for complaining and more time for getting things done.) Thirdly, if you need my help or if I have asked you to do something that is difficult just let me know and I will be the first person to stop everything and help you be successful. But if you just want to be a whiner I’m not really interested in your motivation. And finally, I have learned a lot in 18 years and I’m happy to share my experience and build another person up in any way that can benefit him. I’m good at what I do. . .probably better than the whiner or we wouldn’t have an issue. The bottom line is my work life is my work life and my personal life is personal. If, on occasion the lines blur as they do when a co-worker is also a really good friend, that’s gravy. But I’m here to do a job and be a professional, not a BFF. Because after all, I quit wanting a rhinestone tiara years ago.
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